


Still me

by Thehappytyper



Category: Casualty (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 22:21:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20496260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thehappytyper/pseuds/Thehappytyper





	Still me

After grappling with the supposedly 'easy homemade lasagne' recipe for what seemed like hours, she finally slid it into the oven and sighed with accomplishment. The dementia nurse had taught her some helpful tricks for keeping your place within a recipe and methods to remember tasks that she would've been able to do previously with little effort. Although the diagnosis had hit her hard, the ongoing invaluable support from professionals had alleviated some fears for the meantime. She crossed over the kitchen and put a bottle of wine to chill in the fridge. An hour from now and Charlie would be home. Tonight she was determined to broach the elephant in the room. It wouldn't be easy but it had to be done. Her mind flitted to the last time. She couldn't remember... and it had nothing to do with the dementia taking that memory. It had been far too long. Enough was enough. 

The radio played, the timer bleeped and the smell of dinner wafted throughout the house as Charlie stepped through the front door a little over an hour later. He sighed a deep sigh as he hung his keys and coat by the front door. He wanted nothing more than to forget this illness. She was coping much better recently and working hard to keep everything the same but he couldn't help but notice the recipe books jam packed with post it notes and the subtle notes she made for herself in her notepad to jog her memory. Useful tips he had observed, but reminders of how life was changing for her.

'Duffy? I'm home!' He called,much lighter than he felt. He walked into the kitchen and was surprised at what he saw. In recent months their dinners had be restricted to simple, easy to follow recipes so that she wouldn't get flustered... or that he was capable of following. But her legendary cooking was something that they both missed. She hadn't heard him over the noise of the radio or the timer and it gave him a window of opportunity to observe her. Hair tucked into a neat plait, flushed cheeks from the heat of the oven, determined look on her face, capable hands serving what looked like a delicious home cooked meal. Just like the old days he thought.

'Been busy I see...' he said a little louder. 'Oh! You scared me to death creeping in like that!' She said, leaning over to turn the radio down. 'Sorry I didn't hear you come in.' She grabbed a teatowel to wipe her hands and moved over to kiss him hello. Charlie turned his cheek and happily accepted the kiss. A glimmer of sadness flashed across her face, determined to hide it she went back to dishing up their meal.  
'That was delicious' Charlie said 'thank you. What made you try a new recipe?' He asked tilting his head.

'Oh I just fancied a change... I've been playing it safe a bit recently and I wanted to see if I still had it.' She winked. 'Well after that I'd say you do sweetheart.' He winked back.  
Now would be the perfect chance she thought. Just come out with it.  
'Fancy some wine?' He asked, clearing their plates away and tidying up. 'It's been a hell of a day in there today.' She wanted to share his day with him but also wanted their evening to be about them. Just them. 'Lovely' she replied 'there's a new drama on tonight if you fancy it?' She looked at him hopefully.  
'Great' he smiled at her.

After moving into the lounge Charlie brought in two glasses of wine. Duffy settled herself on one end of the sofa, hopeful that he'd join her. Again her heart sank a little when he chose to sit in the armchair across from her. 'It's freezing in here' she exclaimed rubbing her hands together. 'I'll light the fire if you like?' He offered. 'Oh don't worry, it's nothing a cuddle won't cure' she said with a half smile. Again he smiled back. Nothing more. No attempt to sit with her, no attempt to give her a hug. Nothing. The more she thought about it, the more she couldn't remember the last time she'd held his hand or even hugged him. Tears welled in her eyes.

'What channel is it on?' Charlie looked across at her. He saw unshed tears and a sad and lonely expression on her face. Was this an anxiety outburst? Another mood swing symptom of dementia? 'Duffy... what's wrong?' He asked genuinely concerned.  
She pulled her head down.. tears flowing readily. She couldn't look at him and say it. It needed to be said but it was going to take all the pride she had to do so. 'Tell me... please' he asked again.  
'You've shut me out.' She began. 'You don't see me as your wife anymore... you're such a fantastic protector and carer for me that you don't see 'me' anymore. You don't notice me. You just see the illness.' She wept.

He swallowed slowly. She had noticed then. He thought he'd been careful and respectful at transitioning into her protector but it seems as though she'd noticed. He felt dreadful. Of course he adored her, in every way, but things had changed now and he didn't want to do anything she wasn't able to decide fully on. He would never. Except he had read it wrong. Yes, some things had altered and, yes, she needed more support at times but his strong, fiesty and wondeful Duffy was still there. Still wanting to be loved and treasured like he'd promised her only a few years before.

Slowly he made his way across the lounge and sat next to her on the sofa. She stiffened as he sat beside her. It felt unfamiliar to have him so close after so long of avoidance.  
'You're right...' he began 'I have backed off... I didn't want you to feel pressured or unsure or incapable of decisions... I wanted to respect you' he welled up.

Finally she looked up at him. 'You daft man! I've wanted nothing more than to be with you. You protect me, care for me, calm me when I need it but it's not enough. We promised each other everything when we got married. I miss you.' Duffy looked at him with sad eyes. 'I don't want to lose you before I lose myself.'  
Charlie broke down and pulled her into an enormous hug, he tucked a piece of loose hair behind her ear and kissed her lovingly. 'I'm here kid' he reassured her. 'I'll always be here.'

She'd said it. Finally the fear of never having her Charlie as she wanted had been shared... and the relief of knowing he still wanted her was enough to keep going for as long as possible. Dementia couldn't take love away and she was determined not to let it.


End file.
